virgilsego

I've been very lax in posting here recently, but a lot has been going on. As most of you know by now, I'm gainfully employed again. The gain isn't much, but it helps a lot. The company is great. Basically we are the North American distributor for an ultrasonic bone cutting tool. One of my first jobs was redesigning the website. http://www.piezosurgery.us. I think it turned out pretty good. You can see the site it replaced at http://www.piezosurgery.us/oldwebroot/.

Erin is closing in on her third trimester and we are having a little girl.

I took Erin to Miami for Halloween. It was her first trip to Florida and she had a ball. It was wonderful sharing a little piece of my life with her.

I'm slowly getting things together but after the last couple of years, its going to be a huge undertaking.

Gothcoming 2k9 is a holiday party this year and we are holding it in December. After four years, it was starting to get stale and we needed a change. Victoria is handling most of it. I'm just the idea man, drunk on stage guy.

For more info about Gothcoming, check out http://www.gothcoming.com

I've been most active on FaceBook so if you have an account and we aren't already friends, you should add me. http://www.facebook.com/VirgilsEgo.

I'm going to try to be more active here again. Between facebook, twitter, loopt and everything else, keeping an online presence can almost be too much work. :)

That's it for now.

I am now officially Daniel Aloicious Saint James. I still have to get a new Social Security Card, Drivers License, etc. But it's been recognized by the court!

I'm really digging the new name.

Once I get around to getting my new ID, who wants to meet for drinks? I was thinking the "St James Tavern" on 4th? ehh ehh?

I may not get it until Monday. It depends on my schedule and such.

Anyway, that is all. :)

Apparently Erin is back in Columbus. My friend Victoria was throwing a birthday party for my friend Stephanie.

When I arrived, she had to duck out the back door.

Don't worry Erin. I don't want to talk to you. I have nothing to say to you. You are gone and I'm all right with that.

There will be no drama. I want you out of my life and I don't want you back.

I want nothing but the best for you and I apparently have no part in that. I'm all right with that.

You disconnected and I haven't tried to contact you in more than a week. I'm not going to. Live your life, be happy. That's all I ask.

Daniel

Impossible to tell if it's dusk or dawn
never ending grey monotony and ever present unchanging hills

Was that laughter you heard or just a trick of the wind
finding strength in the solitude, the fortitude to soldier on

shadows join the journey for a time
sometimes they linger but never become substantial

sometimes the shadows fade before they are even completely there

waiting for the sun to rise and burn away the mist
waiting for the cobwebs in your mind to clear, even if only for a moment

the breeze plays on your skin like the memory of the breath of a lover

are those memories that push us forward or just unfilled dreams that you long for

all that matters is that you've always walked the hills alone.
all that matters is that you will always walk the hills alone

each singular solitary destiny

to walk the hills alone

The days and nights are getting easier, but I'm still having trouble sleeping at night. I usually do when I've been depressed, but it gives me time to think. It gives me time to heal.

We don't fall in love with a person. We fall in love with the potential they represent. When relationships end, for whatever reason, we spend a lot of time being sad. We spend a lot of time being angry, but eventually our thoughts turn to hope.

I'm sitting here watching "Forrest Gump". Say what you will, but it's a sweet movie. It always tears me up a little bit. Ok, ok. A lot.

Anyway, the thought I'm trying to have here is that people will always come and go in our lives. There is always a time for mourning when they leave. We mourn the missed potential. We mourn the memories that we never got to create.

If we do it right, we learn from the experience. We grow.

We are here for a short time, so the decisions we make are important. Over the years, I've learned to be a good friend. More recently, I've learned to be a better father and hopefully a better partner.

I'm very lucky that I've perfected being a good friend. As a result, I have some of the best friends of my life.

Here's hoping that I'm around long enough to get the other stuff worked out.

I'm not reposting this because I'm feeling angsty. I just wanted to save this before Erin removed it. This is the last little bit of her that I have left and I'm not ready to give it away just yet.

I wish the words had meaning but I know now that they don't. It's ironic in some way's if you think about it.

===============

Many times over you asked me if I can be yours.

Your Partner,

Your life,

Your love,

Your all.

Many times over I said yes, giving you the words you wanted to hear.

Yet not meaning them.

I wanted to be yours for you, but not for me.

I wanted your love, but didn’t give you mine in return.

I locked myself up tight, not letting you in.

I took all you gave and threw it in your face.

And when I realized what I had lost,

I felt for the first time what you meant when you said

Be my partner,

Be my life,

Be your love,

Be your all.

Now with your forgiveness I can say the words back.

You have the right to not believe me.

You have the right to not trust me.

I lost that all when I betrayed you.

I need to say them,

To say them to you.

To tell you I want it.

For me,

For you,

For us,

For our children.

You are my partner,

You are my life,

You are my love.

And lastly…..

You are my all.



I lay it all before you, stripped bare, my heart in my hands in front of you,

Asking for you to take it and make me yours.



Your all.




Erin Afton Bean

All right gang, first things first. Thank you all for putting up with me this last month. It's been a rough ride. I'm done talking about things. I'm done venting. It's time to cauterize this open wound shut.

I have made some very important lifestyle decisions. I'm not going to be out terribly often, but I always welcome company. Come over, watch a movie, I'll cook dinner.

I just want friends near me for a while.

I am healing, it probably isn't terribly visible, but it is happening. I was terribly impressed with myself that I was getting through all the stages of grief so fast but as it turns out, I was just cycling through them.

I'm focusing on my company. Focusing on work and focusing on being healthy. I'm completely rebooting, but I think this will be a good thing.

So I recently got asked out. It was very sweet and charming. I'm not ready to start dating again but it's nice to know that people still want to.

It's funny. I really want what I thought I had found with Erin. Someone to stay in with. To share with. I know now that was only an illusion in my mind, but I think it's possible to obtain. I just have to be patient.

One of these days, I'll be ready to actually date again. Sex would be nice too, this has been the longest I've ever gone without it. Maybe that's good too.

Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
Want to vanish inside your kiss
Every day I love you more and more
Listen to my heart, can you hear it sing?
Telling me to give you everything
Seasons may change, winter to spring
But I love you until the end of time

Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
It all revolves around you
And there's no mountain too high
No river too wide
Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather,
And stars may collide
But I love you (I love you)
Until the end of time(until the end of time)

Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Oh, come what may, come what may
I will love you, Oh I will love you
Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place

Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Wow, Apparently quite the little flame war erupted on Erin's blog. That really was not my intent. The result though was very surprising.

A number of her "friends" contacted me to talk about Erin.

I won't go into detail, but apparently this behavior is nothing new. Erin has apparently been creating situations that allow her to blame someone else, while alleviating responsibility for her own actions.

I guess some of her "friends" are sick of it.

I have no comment.

Erin taught me about myself. I love her but there is evidentally something wrong. Something that I can't help fix and something that she isn't willing to address.

What I know is this. I'm thankful to have had her in my life. I'm closer to my children than ever before. When I'm ready, my lover will actually be treated well and with kindness.

For this, I thank Erin.

I hope she finds her way, for her sake and her children's sake.

It's time to move on with my life. Erin was the girl of my dreams. It's going to be a while before I'm ok, but it's nice to know that I'm not the only one. It's nice to know that others are sick of it.

I love this woman and I hope she finds her way.

Well, today's workout was only 4.5 miles, but my average speed was 9.8 mph. .5 mile shorter than Tuesday, but twice as fast.

Tomorrow I take a leisurely ride downtown. No speed expectations, just distance. It should be around 12 miles round trip.

Nights are the hardest. I haven't finished unpacking my bedroom. Filling the drawers of the dresser, hanging things in the closet still feels like a betrayal.

I try to read, I try to slumber but before long, I see the sky outside my windows brightening. It's been over cast. I reminds me that I'm nowhere near being healed yet.

I'm calm these days. The sobs don't rack my body, though I still sometimes wake up crying.

I had a dream yesterday. I was sitting with a tall good looking young man. We were talking about his girlfriend. We spoke about his fears and the tasks that life still had waiting for him. We walked along the shoreline of a lake.

"Trust in her and give her your heart" I said. "If she's worthy, she'll treat it with the same respect that you treat hers. Be patient and listen. You'd be surprised how many times you are wrong"

Finally we embraced and he said: "Thanks Dad"

I didn't know him. I'll never know him.

I'm still walking the solitary shadows between the light. I've left the singular sunbeam that warmed me and gave me hope. I know that there is another over the next hill or around the next bend, but I can't see it yet.

I just have to keep hoping that it's there.

I wanted to post a quick note. The last month has been difficult for me but I'm working through it. Recently, a few of you have been openly hostile about Erin. Believe me, I do understand, but at this point, I don't think that is productive.

It didn't work out so now it's time to get down to the business of living life. I have a full plate and I don't want to expend anger or anymore sadness on the situation.

One of you recently posted what I can only describe as a shitty mean spirited comment on her LJ blog. You then told me about it.

Well, I wish you would all just let this pass. If you don't like what Erin has to say, you have the option of not paying attention. That's what I've been doing.

I've already expended emotion on this. I don't think it's wasted, but I think if I expend anymore, that it would be.

Please, just play nice.

For my sake if for no other reason.

Last year, I was riding my bike 100+ miles a day. This year, I was in Maryland from March to June, moving and getting dumped in June and finally getting settled in here in July.

I FINALLY got my first workout of the year in on my bike. I went about 5 miles in about an hour. I'm wiped out. I know it will get easier but damn.

I need to start off with just little jaunts. Tomorrow, I'm biking downtown to the Santa Maria. I need to ride every day there is good weather. I'm still about 15 pounds overweight and I want to build my stamina back up.

I am quite all right accepting blame in this situation and while I love Erin, I want everyone to know that I agree with her decision.

While we were dating, Erin cheated on me several times. I forgave her.

When she first left, I will grant that my behavior prompted her departure, but I really don't think her response was proportional. Dumping her kids on her ex husband and leaving the state doesn't seem like a rational reaction.

She had promised to communicate. To let me know if anything I said or did bothered her. This did not happen.

Erin is a wonderful person, but she isn't perfect and she isn't faultless. She has surrounded herself with people who enable her bad behavior. I'm not going to be one of them.

The last ninth months of my life have been a whirlwind of emotion and I will never regret the role that Erin has played in my life. She has helped me see my own failings. However, the "cut and run" manner in which she handles her problems isn't something that I can have in my life.

I've spent the last 10 years of my life trying to accept responsibility for my own actions. It's been a long struggle, but I'm a better person for it. Erin still has to make this journey.

I will always regard her as a wonderful and hopeful chapter in my life. Sadly, I think Erin was using me to escape from one situation and found herself not liking what she had escaped into.

The words of love that she often spoke to me ring hollow in the place where my heart should be. My optimism is dulled somewhat but I'm resigned to taking care of what needs to be done. To taking care of my children. To taking care of myself.

It helps that I actually saw this coming. I've been preparing for this since she originally left. It's going to be a while before I'm all right, and there, but it will happen and my wonderful friends are helping me.

Thank you Erin. I love you. I'm sorry it didn't work out.

To my friends, thank you for the love and support.

Erin and I are officially over apparently. I had told her that if I ever did or said anything that sent up red flags that she should talk to me. If I started up the bad behavior, that she should leave and not look back.

Yesterday, apparently I did it three times. She didn't talk to me about it though. She just cut me out of her life. Again.

I've been sobbing for hours. She finally sent me a single email telling me that I had hurt her again and that she was out. That she wouldn't talk to me, email me or communicate with me in any way.

It's not like I really have a choice. What makes this difficult is that Erin is pregnant with my child. I'm not sure how this is going to work or what's going to happen. Right now, all I can do is pick up the pieces of my shattered heart and try to start healing. For my kids, for myself.

The child isn't why we were going to try to work this out. It was just a bonus really.

In the end, this has happened twice now. I've been open and honest and willing to talk. Willing to admit my fault and willing to change.

I love Erin. I probably always will, but she has made a choice. I'm not the right man for her.

I will always regret that this didn't work out. In many ways, we failed each other. Promises were broken on both sides. I admit that I own around 79% of the fault, but I've been upfront and honest about it and I've fixed it.

I'd like to say that I will be a better man for the next person who dates me, but right now, I can't imagine ever loving anyone with my whole heart like this again.

To my friends, thank you for putting up with my nonsense the last few months. I'm sorry that you had to come along for the ride. I'm sorry to Erin.

I love you Erin. You are intelligent, funny, witty and gorgeous. I wish you happiness. I hope you someday find what you want. I'm sorry that wasn't me.

Now it's time to cry a little more and hopefully, eventually sleep.

I told Erin that she was my "always". I'm sorry that I wasn't hers.

It looks like moving day is Thursday July 2nd. If we can converge at my place around noon, I will have everything staged and ready to go. Don't worry if you can't make it at noon. Show up if/when you can. Even if you aren't helping load, you can help unload.

Remember, the more the merrier and the less any of us have to work. When we are done, there will be pizza and beer for those that chipped in, and of course, my undying gratitude.

That's really about it. Hope for good weather. Hope for high attendance. In the past, I've had upwards of 30 people helping and it goes easily and smoothly so keep your fingers crossed.

Loading at:
NOON
351 W 6th Ave
Columbus OH

Unloading at:
6PM
85 W Weber Road
Columbus OH

Most of you have been following the saga of Daniel and Erin. I've been feeling abandoned. Betrayed and deserted. Erin finally called me this afternoon. As I had promised her, I listened. We spoke for 2 hours and 54 minutes.

As it turns out. I really am an asshole. I listened to her complaints and her fears, and I held my comments back. As she spoke, an image formed in my mind of the person that I was to her. Of the person that I was to her children, to my children.

My blood curdled and then it boiled. I realized that everything Erin told me was true.

My double standards, my mean-spirited comments. I've been a spiteful prick and it's become such a part of my personality that I wasn't even aware of it, or maybe it I was aware of it, I wouldn't let myself see it.

I spend so much of my time patting myself of the back for the improvements I have made (not lying, being understanding, being a good friend) that I don't spend anytime looking at what else needs to improve. What other changes I need to make.

Erin left because she didn't know how to tell me what I was becoming before her eyes. A side of me that she hadn't seen before, but now that she saw it, she didn't like it.

There are a lot of people saying that Erin left because I was hitting her. I've never raised a hand to Erin in anger. I never will. However, what I was doing was still abuse. To her, to my kids. Completely reprehensible.

Abuse of any kind isn't acceptable. For any reason. Period.

I've looked back on my past relationships and seen that this has been a pattern. When I was married the first time, my first wife was physically abusive to me. It's taken me a long time to get that out of my system and many of my relationships have suffered because of it.

Sadly, abusive behavior didn't leave my relationships, it just manifested itself in different ways.

I could make a lot of excuses for my behavior. Moving, starting a new job, dealing with economic turmoil. They are only excuses. Admitting the problem is the first step, but it's useless if you don't stop the bad behavior.

I just spend two and a half months in Maryland giving my best friend the exact same advice about her relationship. It's funny that we can have the right advice and then not follow it ourselves.

No, strike that. It's not funny, it's sad.

I listened to Erin and she told me things about myself that I haven't allowed myself to recognize.

As soon as I was off the phone, I sat down with my kids and apologized.

Now I'm telling the hive mind.

Why am I so public with the private details of my life you might ask? I've been a liar. I've been a piece of shit. Some of you who have known me for a while have seen me grow. You've seen me become a better person. I KNOW that I'm a better person than I was ten years ago. Better, but not as good as I could be. For myself, and for the people around me, I need to be better.

You are all my friends and I care about you. Thanks to all of you who have been there for me through this.

I love Erin. She told me that when she is convinced that I've stopped, she'll return. I promised my heart to this woman and she deserves nothing less than my complete and total commitment. I owe this to my children. I owe this to my friends.

I've let myself down, I've let my friends down, but more importantly I've let my children down and the woman that I love.

I am empowering all of you to call bullshit on me whenever the need arises, but I will say one thing. I don't think that moment will come.

Thank you all for loving me and letting me love you in return. Most importantly, thank you Erin for not giving up on me. You have no reason to stay. I will be the man you deserve.

period.

Something happened tonight that I simply didn't see coming. After being married for a little over a month, and home for less than two weeks, I came home to find that Erin had left. She had changed both or her cell phone numbers, removed herself from my friends lists on multiple sites and she simply wasn't there.

I had gone to work, planning to spend the evening with her watching a movie, rubbing her feet and spending some quality time with her.

Things have been rough since I got home. We had to find a place to live, we've had to pack and get things ready to move, her kids have been here during the week. I started a job at the Garden which takes a lot out of me considering everything else that has been going on.

We've both been stressed out. Perhaps I haven't been patient when I should have been but I've been trying to talk to her about my fears, about my concerns.

When I stood with Erin holding her hands in that wedding chapel, repeating the words of love and commitment, I meant every one. I still do.

I believe that any problem can be resolved if you just honestly communicate and listen to each other.

I'm very hurt. I'm very sad and I'm very scared right now, but a good friend took time out of their day to listen to me. To let me find my balance.

Erin, I love you. I understand if you can't or won't try to resolve this situation. From your response, I think it's evident that you don't think I'm the right partner for you. I can't change your mind.

I'm here when you want to talk. I have a feeling that you won't. I could have run from you when things got dicey, but I didn't. I'm still not running, but all I can do is let you know that I'm here.

I love you and I'm sorry you feel I let you down. Right now, I have to look out for my children and myself. I'll be here for you should you decide to reconsider.

My love for you has frightened me. It's scared me. It's a huge commitment and I understand wanting to run, but I haven't run. I'm still here, but that can only work if it goes both ways.

In my last note, I talked about extra-somatic knowledge. Transmitting data without genes. Transmitting data between humans instantly instead of through generations.

Language and social customs developed as a result of the human ability to transfer extra-somatic knowledge, but it really didn't take off until around 1436 with the printing press.

That's only 573 years! As our ability to communicate improved and the speed of that communication increased, we began to see major advancements in knowledge.

Just a scant two hundred years ago, it still took the better part of a persons life to achieve anything because our ability to communicate was still restricted by spatial relationships (distance between individuals) and often there was a language barrier.

Today, we have people in all disciplines, from all nationalities and many different languages, collaborating in real time on projects that once would have been unthinkable.

Twitter, Facebook, MySpace. It all leads to one unavoidable conclusion.

The hyper-intelligent species that was to be born of humanities technology is us. We are facing a major step in our development as a species. We are now on the edge of harnessing untold knowledge and advancement.

We've become a superorganism never before seen on this planet.

We have become Skynet